That which I can not avoid...

is nearly upon me.

Did I write that?  It sounds so, perhaps victorian melodrama?   And yet, I just wasted about a half hour on eBay looking at things with Ravens on them, so, that just may be where Im at.

Since I last blogged, Ive had one good friend offer me a willing ear and some sensible suggestions on this issue.  That was really helpful, and went a long way toward calming me down.

But you know, I cant win. 

That may be the thing that stinks the most to me.  You know, nobody likes a game they can't win. 

I dont think there is anything constructive to be gained by going deep into the why that is - at least not at this late stage.  But I will put down some other thoughts that have been jogging in a big circuit around my brain, keeping me awake at night and generally making a nuisance of themselves...it wont be a complete set of thoughts, and it is in no particular order.  #just sayin'

CAUTION:
If you are sensitive about Christmas and do not want anything to challenge that...
DONT READ THIS!

Something may be missing in my 'value system'. 
Maybe Ive just been away from the surviving members of my 'family of origin' too long. (Migrant issue)
Maybe its just becauseof the sweltering heat, blazing sunshine and general loudness.
(As opposed the the chilly - hang out by the fire, short days/dark early and the hush of snowy rooftops.)
Anybody notice there is something obscenely self-aggradizing about showering people with gifts and wrappings and cards and  entertainments and mountains of food?
Everybody knows there are hungry and homeless people out there, right?  Quite possibly nearby too.
I see the why, I understand the desire...its just...it makes me uncomfortable.
We all have so much, and most of it we dont need at all, and will throw away in no time at all.
The lights are pretty.
Its nice to buy someone you love a present (especially if its a nice present, ie: not socks! LOL)
My mother LOVED Christmas.  She's been dead since 1993.
Anybody else notice the piles of discarded furniture and appliances outside homes starting about October?  (Why do so many people have to re-decorate before they can have their 'loved ones' over for lunch?)
Wrapping paper and cards - sure they are lovely - but - more dead trees...Can nothing escape this?
I get the feasting thing... I get that, thats ancient human stuff.  But, so often its too much.
And the expectations!  Aw geeze, they really make getting along with other people a tricky proposition.
Everyone should remember that I think packing a bag to spend a night away is more hassle than its worth.
And anyone who knows me, knows I dont like crowds.
So...really.....is it any wonder that I am not enjoying this the same way so many others do?
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Depending on what happens in the next few days, this may be the last of The Christmas Rant.

Untill next year................(((((Theme from Jaws)))))

Im not gonna edit this - goodnight!   Have Happy Holidays However You Like Them Everyone!

Will not be silent.

Dear Mother in Law - If you are reading today, I hope you will click away and skip this one. Be free of this. It will all work out in the end. xxx
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I had not a chance to respond to the text message attack. My life is very whirlwind right now, and when there is a hour or so to pursue "recreational interests", I frankly find myself collapsing instead.

I knew an apology would be forthcoming. How could it not? We had all been asked to attend this Christmas by Father in Law, as a special favour to him. He has had a rather bad year this year. (Mammoth understatment.)  And it aint over yet.

An apology came. Iam only going to talk about how I felt reading it. I was glad she apologized to my Husband.

But, I - by which I mean me, myself, personally - I do not accept apologies for harm deliberately inflicted.

If you read the message in question, you can see that it was meant to sting.  I dont think it was an "outburst".

By apologizing, she may just have been saying what she thinks she is required to say by family or society, (and being genuine has nothing to do with that!), but if so, more power to her. Because I cant bring myself to play that game anymore. (Which is how Ive landed knee-deep in it this time.)  But if I cant be true to me now, at this time in my life, well I might as well roll over and immediately die.

I am me. I am different.  So what?
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Look at the traffic thats been through here! Those of us with Christmas Issues are definitely not alone. The original post has seen over 900 hits since it went up. From all over the globe. There are many people out there who feel the same way I do, or similar! And we are all forced by societal pressures to keep our mouths shut about it. And how do I feel about that? Well, none of us have enough time - on any day - to go there.
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But I had a response, it was just a matter of how to give it.  Ultimately I decided that sending it to the party involved would only fan the flames.  But not sending it, and remaining silent...how can I deny to myself how I think and feel?  When someone does me and/or my loved ones wrong, keeping my mouth shut feels like abuse. 

Of said reply, here are the salient points:

If you have a problem with me, you should take it up with me.
A text attack on your brother – instead of me – made you a gutless hypocrite. You are better than that.
What I wrote about was me being honest about my experience. You trained as a counsellor and couldnt read that and see someone trying to work through their issues?
I am not going to play "Who Suffered More?" with you. 
I am entitled to my feelings and my opinions. You do not have to agree with them. Nor I, yours.
I am angry with you because you attacked someone I love, and made outrageous claims.
You started this, why should your husband take the flack? Fight your own battles!
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I will continue to try to work out this issue, because it is the logical thing to do.  Christmas isnt going to go away just because me and at least a thousand others want it to.  And Im not interested in talking people out of believing or celebrating what and how they want.  I just would like not to HAVE TO CONFORM to other peoples values.  They arent interested in conforming to mine!  LOL
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I did finish the Christmas shopping! 

This sort of thing gives Christianity a bad name

I assume that this TEXT MESSAGE was sent in response to my last post. Which makes me wonder why she sent it to her brother, my husband, instead of me.

Hi (name), Please do not come to christmas at our place, christmas upsets you guys so much i dont want to inflict more pain so you can keep your hate & selfishness to yourselves and allow (us) to celebrate to any extent that we need too, even if it includes 'cash & prizes'. You guys are not the only ones that have difficulties we just choose not to vomit them out on you. So now you are free of the worry, expense & having to interact with us. Not sure why you just didn't decline the invite to start with. Any reply can be made to (her husband).

In actuality, I myself did not accept the invite. In fact, there was no invite. There was a general announcement that Christmas was at their place.

My response can obviously not be sent to her. But shortly I will publish it here.

Not for her, but for me. Which is what the original post was about anyway...me trying to figure out why I feel the way I do.

Maybe I am psychic, maybe I was picking up on the true nature of this Beast we call Christmas.

I hate christmas - irrationally

Anyone else out there?

Reposting from FB AND OS...


I need to come out of my shell and just tell the truth about me.

I HATE christmas.

Nothing would suit me better than if it went the feck away and never came back.

Im tired of playing along, and I am sure I am not alone.

Im aware of hating it all year round, but when it comes close enough that plans have to be made - well - I just sort of spazz out.

Funnier still is that each year it seems to get worse....till here I am now...feeling backed in a corner and ready to bite anyone who comes near me and mentions it.

I mean, Im beyond mad about it, Im positively enraged by it.

I dont understand it myself. and I cant find a rational reason for it that is big enough to explain my way out of proportion reaction to it.

I dont want to deny my husband time with his family....but it just feels like Im betraying myself to continue to participate.

No one has to respond to this, I dont expect it and Im not inviting feedback - Im just getting it out there. Maybe others like me will appreciate the validation.

Why cant we just be good to each other and our fellow man all year round...without the need for cash and prizes?

But, Id wanted to blog this 'weekend'...

The last day of the week that I work outside of the home is Thursday. I suppose it is natural that everyone there at "Passive Agressive Playschool" thinks that I am off to wallow around in luxurious leisure for the next four days.

Ha!

But anyway, Ive reached the point of exhaustion and so, this is the most blogging I can manage - Sorry Charlie! Only the best tasting tuna gets to be Starkist.

No one here in Oz is going to get that morsel of punchiness...sigh...Im off to savour one of our own ginger beers now, and if I pass out without making dinner, so be it! LOL

But where will I find the time?

Common problem Im sure - for example - here is what my home office looks like on a good day...

Which as you can see, features two computers runnning different tasks.  LOL to the right of the photo is the outer shell of a bathrobe I started making for myself.....in August 2011!!!  In between working a part time job for someone else, I freelance at a couple different things AND try to study 10 hours a week (in a bid to build a new home business for which I need paper credentials, as opposed to just real-world ones...or what used to pass for the real world anyway.)

Im not complaining.  Im #justsayin'

Then, I found the corpses of some of my frog friends.  I dont know why these guys died, but when I found them rotting in the empty plant pot they used to shelter in during the day, well, I just couldnt leave them there.  I scooped them out and put them in a dry place in the sun for a few weeks.  The bones are so fine!  Here they are on a bed of salt before being completely covered in salt. They have been in the salt a few weeks now, I dont know how it will affect them.  When I get around to it, we will see.

And somewhere in the last few months, some stars lined up to push me back in a direction I left behind...I dont know if I even can still make beads...my hands and neck may not allow a good end result....but you know what?  I MISS MELTING GLASS and experimenting with the chemical reactions and the whole process of creation.  So what if what I end up with is an expensive mess - life has got to have some fun, right?

 

I am slowly building my kit up again, and savouring the anticipation.  I will stick with the hot head for awhile, see what comes of this - if I even have any time for it - it doesnt have to be beads - it could be something else - the transformations are still taking place - not all of them ones we would wish for - all the more reason to learn to have some fun where one can?



Transformations

This cheerful fellow spent an hour with me last April.  He would take the sunflower heads from my hand and crunch through each sweet seed - the whole while being a complete charmer and perfectly happy to let me snap away with the lens at times just inches from his beak.  I rate this experience as a prime encounter.

So many changes since I was able to emerge from my shell of grief, and so little time - such a common problem - but the blog and other interests are not getting much of a look in lately, but I believe everything is in a cycle, and it will out work out in time. Even while I keenly feel that the time left to me is shorter than ever.  But thats true for us all.

Lately when I go to the aviary to visit who is left of my flock, (a long sad story in itself), the Wind speaks to me.  I can not make out what Wind is trying to tell me - yet. But I must be patient with myself, I am only just re-connecting with my truer self, and, like any language, if you dont use it, you loose it.

Could it have something to do with Raven?  Raven has become my companion alongside Cat.  Frog is also with me in a big way.  Yes, I am aware that to some I will sound like Ive gone The Full Fruit-Loop.  But others will recognize that Metaphyical Mystic Me has been here the whole time.

So, Ive been transforming, in a big way.  Ive even returned to paid work outside the home, AND am undertaking study via an online university - so time will be short for at least the next year.  But its an investment in a brighter future than I could not have forseen from where I stood in late December 2010.  We have to make the most of what is given to us, and damn it, Im having that, all that. And The Most DH and I will still have things to enjoy, even if they aren't what everyone else is given.  LOL!  We were never big on conformity anyway.

Soon

Soon.

Spring Blooms & Hope Springs

Life has been toying with us lately. Not with a sense of fun and adventure, but more like a barn cat with the last mouse of the night. Tossing us away only to catch us up over and over again, all claws and teeth but no merciful kill. There is no malice in it, but it is indeed hard not to feel so.

And yet still - I hope! Despite thinking it foolish to do so! Hope must be one of those things that humans "cant not" do.

We are due a win, and look forward to it.
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Native rock orchid with Johnny Jump ups, in the neglected back garden yesterday.

Epidendrum seed pod

Id love to know who pollinated it, this is the first time any of our Epidendrum have set seed and then both of the pods were on the same flower stalk where some one could have sat on the porch railing and done their work....one to wonder about.

But mostly Im just posting this, and quickly, to prove I am still alive - just seldom near the computer these days. Heres hoping for more sedate days soon, Cheers!

Somewhere in the Blue Mountains

I do not remember exactly where this was taken - but we did a little rock climbing and sat and enjoyed the view a while.

Im still not up to regular blogging, but do feel the urge more often. Lets see how it goes, Ciao for now!

A quiet, blushing Thanks to KJ

You Make My Day


Beam of Sunlight


Perfect Blend of Friendship


Ive really got to pull my thumb out and make an award of my own to hand out, there are some people out there who mean alot more to me than my recent 'radio silence' would convey. In the meantime, I have to hope you each know who you are. Meow.

Wow, Thanks KJ!

KJ has given me a special award she created. Its her Stroke of the Brush Award. It "...recognizes and celebrates the willingness to take risks, speak honestly, act with integrity, and in the process create and share colors and/or words that stroke our curiosity and brush aside our differences."

How cool is that? Thanks KJ!

view with polarizing filter + sunglasses

The same view as yesterday, but for this Ive held my graduated brown tinted sunglasses over the lens with polarizing filter...the glasses enhance the red end of the spectrum very nicely. Cool. Id love a neutral density filter one day, and an infra red one, but oh! while Im doing an imaginary shop - I still covet the Canon Macro Twin Lite MT-24EX Flash, and thats it, Im going to have to put the remote control on the birthday list!
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This is post #490, Im almost inspired to make it to 500. Will the apathy get in the way? Stay tuned.

Today it is better to babble senselessly, than to attempt meaninful communication. Iam off for my 4 kilometre walk now - get outside and loose your fetters Folks!

On the Singing Perch

Sporting his best and struting his stuff, this Fellow spends a good part of each day on this branch of our Knife Wattle (Acacia Cultriformis). With all the singing he does, I wonder if he is claiming possession of the area. 'Tis his for only so long as the Little Wattle Birds are not around.

Or perhaps he is looking for love. Spring is not too far off, and indeed, today the weather is very spring like. Enjoy it while it lasts!
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My head cold is clearing, hooray! There is a slight increase in the number of things I can manage to do each day. But only slight. Im afraid the new antidepressant really is making sitting and staring - and eating! - about the only priorities in my life. Not cool! But will stay on the 30 day trial, only 13 days remain.

Each day I feed cats/birds/husband, keep fire burning for warmth, do dishes and a minimum of one housework item (only to avoid guilt), and if its been a really good day - I blog.*

Thats not me, and although Iam trying to keep an open mind about the new med, I just dont see how being on it for two more weeks is going to make it magically right for me....heres hoping I get proved wrong...

...and that I will be able to accomplish all that I am meant to do tommorrow. Probably wont blog tommorrow - unless Im not somewhere Im supposed to be!

* I should add, that I also look at my to-do list, and have frequent. brief conversations with myself about how I should or could do such and such. But somehow, I can not manage to get up, or if I have gotten up, cant seem to stay focused on the task till its done. ITS SO WIERD!

Clowns and Incapacitation

Here we have a Noisy Miner, reluctantly posing for the camera this last April. I call these guys clowns, because they do remind me of clowns. Im not especially fond of clowns. But if the funny nose fits, one must wear it.

For more information try this link: Noisy Miner at Birds in Backyards

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Iam incapacitated, nearly totally, by my depression. It is so NOT voluntary. I am convinced this is more than depression, and will bring that up when I see the doctor monday morning. Will try to blog again tommorrow, but if not, dont worry. The second surgery for the breast lump is this Wednesday, so it all just may get too much - but I will keep trying to fight. Be good to yourselves!

Cold hands, warm heart!

Thank you very much, KJ. You are a sweetie, Mwah!

Little Wattle Bird gives us a look in

Literally! Lucky I had the camera in my hand. I had been trying to shoot other birds from the kitchen window, when I wandered into the lounge room and saw this familiar face looking in at me!


He is perched in the Calistemon, or Bottle Brush tree that hosted a swarm of bees (for two days) a while back. Also the very same tree that my Stanhopea Occulata and Encyclia Cochleata reside in.



I said "QUOCK!" and he looked straight at me and opened his beak as if to reply. But alas, the moment was lost when suddenly Priapus could take no more. The furred one launched himself upward, and abruptly made bone crunching contact with the glass.



The bird had naturally flown off. I shook my head at the crumpled mass on the floor. The blighter was already putting on a show to say "I meant that to happen.".

Nearby, Aurora flexed the claws of one paw out into the air, saying "Oh, we believe you." Then after a quick backstretch added, "Thousands wouldnt!"

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Im going to try to blog everyday. I have made some great strides with my giant backlog of photos, and so have lots I can use here. So fingers crossed the routine of blogging will be good for my brain.

Also, I am trying to get out of the house for a half hour during the brightest part of the day - hey, they sun has actually been out for two days running - makes a change.

Spent, Narcissus floats. Drifting.

While arranging some flowers at the kitchen sink, this spent blossom was discarded. After it hit the water, I noticed how dramatic the ribbing of each petal looks. Naturally, I had take a pic.
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Last Sunday, I wrote that I did not know what I was feeling. That may have been a signal that something is not right. Now, nobody should worry about me, really. Im not going to off myself or anything like that. But I have been hearing the dark thoughts again. It may be that my anti-depressant has stopped working.

All re-uptake inhibitor type anti-depressant medications are equally as prone to this "poop-out" phenomenon. It is a mammoth nuisance, I can tell you.

So, its a waiting game for the moment. If I continue to fall further down, then its the meds. If I manage to pull myself out of the quicksand, then perhaps there is another explanation for this nosedive.

How long to give it before running to the doctor is the big question. Ive tried several other anti-depresants over the years. All of them had side effects that range from "annoying-but-I-can-live-with-it-in-exchange-for-some-other-benefit" (like the one Im on), and all points in between right on up to "Unacceptable! TERMINATE! Unacceptable! DONT TOUCH ME!! UNACCEPTABLE!"

...now I am loosing patience with sitting here trying to force an encyclopedia of information into one short blog post, Im going to RUN AWAY for now and find something else to do for a bit - Have a good day out there!

Oncidium, another unknown specimen

If we had it to do all over again, we would have invested in the metal plant tags that you emboss the names into. That way the sun cant just fade the names from the tags, leaving you with a collection of plants you dont know the names of.

But there is no doubt in my mind that this is an Oncidium, which one I cannot say.
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Between my ears..................its been an hour since I typed "between my ears". Ive gone off and hung out some laundry, sat down again and nothing.....out again and brought in some firewood, try again - nothing! Etc.

I dont know what Im feeling. What I can say is that since last Monday I have had some more hours where I felt happy, so at least that is a going trend. Hooray for that.

There is also always the battle in my head between the open part of me that wants to share, and the paranoid part of me that says "You might want to run for office someday and not have something stupid you said on your blog get in your way".

Silly me, or Smart me? Only time can tell!