Saturday, December 22, 2012

That which I can not avoid...

is nearly upon me.

Did I write that?  It sounds so, perhaps victorian melodrama?   And yet, I just wasted about a half hour on eBay looking at things with Ravens on them, so, that just may be where Im at.

Since I last blogged, Ive had one good friend offer me a willing ear and some sensible suggestions on this issue.  That was really helpful, and went a long way toward calming me down.

But you know, I cant win. 

That may be the thing that stinks the most to me.  You know, nobody likes a game they can't win. 

I dont think there is anything constructive to be gained by going deep into the why that is - at least not at this late stage.  But I will put down some other thoughts that have been jogging in a big circuit around my brain, keeping me awake at night and generally making a nuisance of wont be a complete set of thoughts, and it is in no particular order.  #just sayin'

If you are sensitive about Christmas and do not want anything to challenge that...

Something may be missing in my 'value system'. 
Maybe Ive just been away from the surviving members of my 'family of origin' too long. (Migrant issue)
Maybe its just becauseof the sweltering heat, blazing sunshine and general loudness.
(As opposed the the chilly - hang out by the fire, short days/dark early and the hush of snowy rooftops.)
Anybody notice there is something obscenely self-aggradizing about showering people with gifts and wrappings and cards and  entertainments and mountains of food?
Everybody knows there are hungry and homeless people out there, right?  Quite possibly nearby too.
I see the why, I understand the desire...its makes me uncomfortable.
We all have so much, and most of it we dont need at all, and will throw away in no time at all.
The lights are pretty.
Its nice to buy someone you love a present (especially if its a nice present, ie: not socks! LOL)
My mother LOVED Christmas.  She's been dead since 1993.
Anybody else notice the piles of discarded furniture and appliances outside homes starting about October?  (Why do so many people have to re-decorate before they can have their 'loved ones' over for lunch?)
Wrapping paper and cards - sure they are lovely - but - more dead trees...Can nothing escape this?
I get the feasting thing... I get that, thats ancient human stuff.  But, so often its too much.
And the expectations!  Aw geeze, they really make getting along with other people a tricky proposition.
Everyone should remember that I think packing a bag to spend a night away is more hassle than its worth.
And anyone who knows me, knows I dont like crowds. it any wonder that I am not enjoying this the same way so many others do?

Depending on what happens in the next few days, this may be the last of The Christmas Rant.

Untill next year................(((((Theme from Jaws)))))

Im not gonna edit this - goodnight!   Have Happy Holidays However You Like Them Everyone!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Will not be silent.

Dear Mother in Law - If you are reading today, I hope you will click away and skip this one. Be free of this. It will all work out in the end. xxx

I had not a chance to respond to the text message attack. My life is very whirlwind right now, and when there is a hour or so to pursue "recreational interests", I frankly find myself collapsing instead.

I knew an apology would be forthcoming. How could it not? We had all been asked to attend this Christmas by Father in Law, as a special favour to him. He has had a rather bad year this year. (Mammoth understatment.)  And it aint over yet.

An apology came. Iam only going to talk about how I felt reading it. I was glad she apologized to my Husband.

But, I - by which I mean me, myself, personally - I do not accept apologies for harm deliberately inflicted.

If you read the message in question, you can see that it was meant to sting.  I dont think it was an "outburst".

By apologizing, she may just have been saying what she thinks she is required to say by family or society, (and being genuine has nothing to do with that!), but if so, more power to her. Because I cant bring myself to play that game anymore. (Which is how Ive landed knee-deep in it this time.)  But if I cant be true to me now, at this time in my life, well I might as well roll over and immediately die.

I am me. I am different.  So what?

Look at the traffic thats been through here! Those of us with Christmas Issues are definitely not alone. The original post has seen over 900 hits since it went up. From all over the globe. There are many people out there who feel the same way I do, or similar! And we are all forced by societal pressures to keep our mouths shut about it. And how do I feel about that? Well, none of us have enough time - on any day - to go there.

But I had a response, it was just a matter of how to give it.  Ultimately I decided that sending it to the party involved would only fan the flames.  But not sending it, and remaining can I deny to myself how I think and feel?  When someone does me and/or my loved ones wrong, keeping my mouth shut feels like abuse. 

Of said reply, here are the salient points:

If you have a problem with me, you should take it up with me.
A text attack on your brother – instead of me – made you a gutless hypocrite. You are better than that.
What I wrote about was me being honest about my experience. You trained as a counsellor and couldnt read that and see someone trying to work through their issues?
I am not going to play "Who Suffered More?" with you. 
I am entitled to my feelings and my opinions. You do not have to agree with them. Nor I, yours.
I am angry with you because you attacked someone I love, and made outrageous claims.
You started this, why should your husband take the flack? Fight your own battles!

I will continue to try to work out this issue, because it is the logical thing to do.  Christmas isnt going to go away just because me and at least a thousand others want it to.  And Im not interested in talking people out of believing or celebrating what and how they want.  I just would like not to HAVE TO CONFORM to other peoples values.  They arent interested in conforming to mine!  LOL

I did finish the Christmas shopping!