It has to be said...

...that here is nothing anyone can say that will make it better. In fact, most of what people say, serves only to twist the knife. But what surprises me most about this is: the way no one says anything at all. Not one word about what happened. No one calls us just to ask how we are, or if we would like to talk.

Everyone seems pretty happy to just pretend nothing happened. And in fact, they all act as if nothing did. Maybe thats partly my fault, see, I didnt want to ruin everyones 'christmas' and I have to tell you, I wasnt the life of that party, but from where I sit, I gave a goddamned great performance of 'handling it'.

So now we get joke emails about dead pets, emails about of how loving and appreciative their children are of them, or texts telling us how their god has blessed them with appliance repair - which are just three examples that show no one has any hint of an idea about what we are going through.

In calmer moments I realize I cant expect friends and family to understand, but, it seems sometimes that they, to be perfectly frank about it, that they just dont think. I guess thats because to them, nothing happened.

Why does "life goes on" mean we have to pretend nothing happened to us?

And even the two of us do not experience it the same way. We still love one another, and there is nothing we wouldnt do for each other. But he can not experience it the way I am, just as I can not experience it the way he is.

Except for: What are we going to do now? Who are we going to be? Whats the fucking point of any of it now?

It wouldnt matter how many people you surrounded me with, there is just no one who can understand, nor comfort. I must walk this road totally alone. Its a good thing Ive had a lifetime of practice.

Mommys still fighting for you my little babes...
Christian Mather Sage, lost Easter 2002
William Bradford, lost Dec 23 2010

Bromeliad: Neoregelia Blushing Tiger, blooming

Orchids are a wonderful group of plants to grow, but you spend a large part of the year tending plants that appear happy to do stuff all for you. I thought it would be nice to have some colour going when the orchids were not in bloom...but what could be happy in the same environment?

Bromeliads!

And so it came to pass that I acquired some Bromeliad 'pups'. It was very difficult to choose which to try because the variety and colours are staggering! Quickly I realized that a new addiction could be in the making, and have learned not to even open the emails and catalogs that come along anymore - its just too much temptation.

This is my Neoregelia "Blushing Tiger". Ive only had it a few months and already its bloomed for me - what a charming envoy for its species - but I must not cave in! I must not order more plants...till at least next year.

Calm before the storm

Non-verbal goings on

Cat with one hundred names: #1

Priapus will sit next to his dish until I fill it to its correct level. He would rather starve to death than eat the last few kibbles left in the bottom. Also does this with his water dish.

Future Food: Macadamia nuts

Super sweetly scented, almost like honey.

Spring Blooms & Hope Springs

Life has been toying with us lately. Not with a sense of fun and adventure, but more like a barn cat with the last mouse of the night. Tossing us away only to catch us up over and over again, all claws and teeth but no merciful kill. There is no malice in it, but it is indeed hard not to feel so.

And yet still - I hope! Despite thinking it foolish to do so! Hope must be one of those things that humans "cant not" do.

We are due a win, and look forward to it.
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Native rock orchid with Johnny Jump ups, in the neglected back garden yesterday.