That which I can not avoid...

is nearly upon me.

Did I write that?  It sounds so, perhaps victorian melodrama?   And yet, I just wasted about a half hour on eBay looking at things with Ravens on them, so, that just may be where Im at.

Since I last blogged, Ive had one good friend offer me a willing ear and some sensible suggestions on this issue.  That was really helpful, and went a long way toward calming me down.

But you know, I cant win. 

That may be the thing that stinks the most to me.  You know, nobody likes a game they can't win. 

I dont think there is anything constructive to be gained by going deep into the why that is - at least not at this late stage.  But I will put down some other thoughts that have been jogging in a big circuit around my brain, keeping me awake at night and generally making a nuisance of themselves...it wont be a complete set of thoughts, and it is in no particular order.  #just sayin'

CAUTION:
If you are sensitive about Christmas and do not want anything to challenge that...
DONT READ THIS!

Something may be missing in my 'value system'. 
Maybe Ive just been away from the surviving members of my 'family of origin' too long. (Migrant issue)
Maybe its just becauseof the sweltering heat, blazing sunshine and general loudness.
(As opposed the the chilly - hang out by the fire, short days/dark early and the hush of snowy rooftops.)
Anybody notice there is something obscenely self-aggradizing about showering people with gifts and wrappings and cards and  entertainments and mountains of food?
Everybody knows there are hungry and homeless people out there, right?  Quite possibly nearby too.
I see the why, I understand the desire...its just...it makes me uncomfortable.
We all have so much, and most of it we dont need at all, and will throw away in no time at all.
The lights are pretty.
Its nice to buy someone you love a present (especially if its a nice present, ie: not socks! LOL)
My mother LOVED Christmas.  She's been dead since 1993.
Anybody else notice the piles of discarded furniture and appliances outside homes starting about October?  (Why do so many people have to re-decorate before they can have their 'loved ones' over for lunch?)
Wrapping paper and cards - sure they are lovely - but - more dead trees...Can nothing escape this?
I get the feasting thing... I get that, thats ancient human stuff.  But, so often its too much.
And the expectations!  Aw geeze, they really make getting along with other people a tricky proposition.
Everyone should remember that I think packing a bag to spend a night away is more hassle than its worth.
And anyone who knows me, knows I dont like crowds.
So...really.....is it any wonder that I am not enjoying this the same way so many others do?
___________________________

Depending on what happens in the next few days, this may be the last of The Christmas Rant.

Untill next year................(((((Theme from Jaws)))))

Im not gonna edit this - goodnight!   Have Happy Holidays However You Like Them Everyone!

Will not be silent.

Dear Mother in Law - If you are reading today, I hope you will click away and skip this one. Be free of this. It will all work out in the end. xxx
_________________________________________

I had not a chance to respond to the text message attack. My life is very whirlwind right now, and when there is a hour or so to pursue "recreational interests", I frankly find myself collapsing instead.

I knew an apology would be forthcoming. How could it not? We had all been asked to attend this Christmas by Father in Law, as a special favour to him. He has had a rather bad year this year. (Mammoth understatment.)  And it aint over yet.

An apology came. Iam only going to talk about how I felt reading it. I was glad she apologized to my Husband.

But, I - by which I mean me, myself, personally - I do not accept apologies for harm deliberately inflicted.

If you read the message in question, you can see that it was meant to sting.  I dont think it was an "outburst".

By apologizing, she may just have been saying what she thinks she is required to say by family or society, (and being genuine has nothing to do with that!), but if so, more power to her. Because I cant bring myself to play that game anymore. (Which is how Ive landed knee-deep in it this time.)  But if I cant be true to me now, at this time in my life, well I might as well roll over and immediately die.

I am me. I am different.  So what?
 __________________________

Look at the traffic thats been through here! Those of us with Christmas Issues are definitely not alone. The original post has seen over 900 hits since it went up. From all over the globe. There are many people out there who feel the same way I do, or similar! And we are all forced by societal pressures to keep our mouths shut about it. And how do I feel about that? Well, none of us have enough time - on any day - to go there.
 _____________________________

But I had a response, it was just a matter of how to give it.  Ultimately I decided that sending it to the party involved would only fan the flames.  But not sending it, and remaining silent...how can I deny to myself how I think and feel?  When someone does me and/or my loved ones wrong, keeping my mouth shut feels like abuse. 

Of said reply, here are the salient points:

If you have a problem with me, you should take it up with me.
A text attack on your brother – instead of me – made you a gutless hypocrite. You are better than that.
What I wrote about was me being honest about my experience. You trained as a counsellor and couldnt read that and see someone trying to work through their issues?
I am not going to play "Who Suffered More?" with you. 
I am entitled to my feelings and my opinions. You do not have to agree with them. Nor I, yours.
I am angry with you because you attacked someone I love, and made outrageous claims.
You started this, why should your husband take the flack? Fight your own battles!
 ___________________________________

I will continue to try to work out this issue, because it is the logical thing to do.  Christmas isnt going to go away just because me and at least a thousand others want it to.  And Im not interested in talking people out of believing or celebrating what and how they want.  I just would like not to HAVE TO CONFORM to other peoples values.  They arent interested in conforming to mine!  LOL
______________________________

I did finish the Christmas shopping! 

I hate christmas - irrationally

Anyone else out there?

Reposting from FB AND OS...


I need to come out of my shell and just tell the truth about me.

I HATE christmas.

Nothing would suit me better than if it went the feck away and never came back.

Im tired of playing along, and I am sure I am not alone.

Im aware of hating it all year round, but when it comes close enough that plans have to be made - well - I just sort of spazz out.

Funnier still is that each year it seems to get worse....till here I am now...feeling backed in a corner and ready to bite anyone who comes near me and mentions it.

I mean, Im beyond mad about it, Im positively enraged by it.

I dont understand it myself. and I cant find a rational reason for it that is big enough to explain my way out of proportion reaction to it.

I dont want to deny my husband time with his family....but it just feels like Im betraying myself to continue to participate.

No one has to respond to this, I dont expect it and Im not inviting feedback - Im just getting it out there. Maybe others like me will appreciate the validation.

Why cant we just be good to each other and our fellow man all year round...without the need for cash and prizes?

But, Id wanted to blog this 'weekend'...

The last day of the week that I work outside of the home is Thursday. I suppose it is natural that everyone there at "Passive Agressive Playschool" thinks that I am off to wallow around in luxurious leisure for the next four days.

Ha!

But anyway, Ive reached the point of exhaustion and so, this is the most blogging I can manage - Sorry Charlie! Only the best tasting tuna gets to be Starkist.

No one here in Oz is going to get that morsel of punchiness...sigh...Im off to savour one of our own ginger beers now, and if I pass out without making dinner, so be it! LOL

But where will I find the time?

Common problem Im sure - for example - here is what my home office looks like on a good day...

Which as you can see, features two computers runnning different tasks.  LOL to the right of the photo is the outer shell of a bathrobe I started making for myself.....in August 2011!!!  In between working a part time job for someone else, I freelance at a couple different things AND try to study 10 hours a week (in a bid to build a new home business for which I need paper credentials, as opposed to just real-world ones...or what used to pass for the real world anyway.)

Im not complaining.  Im #justsayin'

Then, I found the corpses of some of my frog friends.  I dont know why these guys died, but when I found them rotting in the empty plant pot they used to shelter in during the day, well, I just couldnt leave them there.  I scooped them out and put them in a dry place in the sun for a few weeks.  The bones are so fine!  Here they are on a bed of salt before being completely covered in salt. They have been in the salt a few weeks now, I dont know how it will affect them.  When I get around to it, we will see.

And somewhere in the last few months, some stars lined up to push me back in a direction I left behind...I dont know if I even can still make beads...my hands and neck may not allow a good end result....but you know what?  I MISS MELTING GLASS and experimenting with the chemical reactions and the whole process of creation.  So what if what I end up with is an expensive mess - life has got to have some fun, right?

 

I am slowly building my kit up again, and savouring the anticipation.  I will stick with the hot head for awhile, see what comes of this - if I even have any time for it - it doesnt have to be beads - it could be something else - the transformations are still taking place - not all of them ones we would wish for - all the more reason to learn to have some fun where one can?



It has to be said...

...that here is nothing anyone can say that will make it better. In fact, most of what people say, serves only to twist the knife. But what surprises me most about this is: the way no one says anything at all. Not one word about what happened. No one calls us just to ask how we are, or if we would like to talk.

Everyone seems pretty happy to just pretend nothing happened. And in fact, they all act as if nothing did. Maybe thats partly my fault, see, I didnt want to ruin everyones 'christmas' and I have to tell you, I wasnt the life of that party, but from where I sit, I gave a goddamned great performance of 'handling it'.

So now we get joke emails about dead pets, emails about of how loving and appreciative their children are of them, or texts telling us how their god has blessed them with appliance repair - which are just three examples that show no one has any hint of an idea about what we are going through.

In calmer moments I realize I cant expect friends and family to understand, but, it seems sometimes that they, to be perfectly frank about it, that they just dont think. I guess thats because to them, nothing happened.

Why does "life goes on" mean we have to pretend nothing happened to us?

And even the two of us do not experience it the same way. We still love one another, and there is nothing we wouldnt do for each other. But he can not experience it the way I am, just as I can not experience it the way he is.

Except for: What are we going to do now? Who are we going to be? Whats the fucking point of any of it now?

It wouldnt matter how many people you surrounded me with, there is just no one who can understand, nor comfort. I must walk this road totally alone. Its a good thing Ive had a lifetime of practice.


Mommys still fighting for you my little babes...
Christian Mather Sage, lost Easter 2002
William Bradford, lost Dec 23 2010

Spring Blooms & Hope Springs

Life has been toying with us lately. Not with a sense of fun and adventure, but more like a barn cat with the last mouse of the night. Tossing us away only to catch us up over and over again, all claws and teeth but no merciful kill. There is no malice in it, but it is indeed hard not to feel so.

And yet still - I hope! Despite thinking it foolish to do so! Hope must be one of those things that humans "cant not" do.

We are due a win, and look forward to it.
_______________
Native rock orchid with Johnny Jump ups, in the neglected back garden yesterday.

Bad Haircut #16

Here is the picture I gave the stylist (Rachel Welch):



And what I got was (David from BBC's Psychoville):




Hmmm. You know, now that I look at those shots together like this, I can see how she got there. Still, she will be having nightmares involving curling irons for a long time to come.

Just enjoy the moment...

...after all, this moment is all we ever really have.

Swimming in deep, profoundly thick stuff lately. Heres hoping we find our way to shore soon. In the meantime, a butterfly from last April. Be good to yourself today.

Manys the time...

...I set out to post something but could not decide what to say or what photo to lead with. Everything has been unsettled around here since mid-march when The Most DH found himself made redundant at work. Oh, so much involved there - at least one hundred tirades I could launch into! But whats the point of that really? I might get it all off my chest but, whoopie doo. You know. Anyhow. One day at a time and all that rot, eh?

But hell, the homebrewed beer has been great. It gets better every week! Now we really need to get the next lot going, but the cider is not quite ready to bottle yet. And horrors! Said cider needs about five weeks in the bottle before it can be drunk - bummer!

Progress

There is progress...I can use scissors again! Other things are still very hard to do, for example: picking up a glass or can to drink from. If the nerve is capable of healing, it can take 6-12 months to do so. The surgeon who repaired it is not confident, but it aint over yet!

I had wanted to do a post that wasnt about my botched carpal tunnel - as well as bring you up to date. But I squandered too much time at There, I fixed it.com, and now Ive got to scamper!

Long story short...

...wait and see.

Magellan last September

Trolling thru my archives, I found this shot I took last September of my good friend Magellan. Lucky for me, he is still going strong although we lost his sister Verdigris awhile back. There was some strange illness that swept my little flock, it did not respond to any treatment I tried (and I tried them all). I hope I never see that bug again.

Anyhow, still one handed and having a go at doing things despite. Today it was cutting back an out of control vine in the garden. Well, it isnt my best job, but it will do. I think the hardest things about being one handed is not being able to get a bra on by myself, or bathe alone. Also, it is hot, itchy and sweaty in this cast, GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!


LOL

PS Sorry I havent been answering folks, but Im sure you understand. Cheers!

Bored again

The Most DH had to return to work last night. He'd been doing a stellar job keeping me entertained, but all good things must come to an end. So while he was out, I got the camera and spent some time messing about with my remote trigger ... here you can even see some of the stitches, they are so neat and evenly placed - nice job Doc!

Course that was only good for an hour or so. In desperation, I managed to do some dishes! How sad is this, that doing dishes one handed on a saturday night counts as entertainment??? LOL

Happened!

Tough going with one hand but bored sitting around...so here goes:

As they suspected, the original surgery did 'accidentally' amputate a part of the motor nerve responsible for moving my thumb. What was left of the nerve was trapped in the scar tissue. The specialist freed the nerve, and re-attached it to the muscle as best he could (it being shorter than it should be due to the missing piece).

As the longer a nerve is trapped, the more damage (death) it sustains, prognosis would have been better if it had been treated right away - last August - but public health being what it is, it was December before the specialist could see me. I got the impression from him that, if the referring physician had advised him of the nature of the injury, he could have seen me sooner.

We just wait and see now how the nerve manages, and hope that it is capable of restoring some of the lost function. I am waiting to see how it ends before deciding what action to take. It will be awhile before we know, so I will keep you posted....although at the speed of snail, LOL.

Thank you for your messages, you are great Mates! I plan to get around the blogs very soon and catch up, Meow!

And back on again!

Called the doctors office and advised him the hospital had canceled us....I guess we got a small win here folks - its back on for tommorrow...what a roller coaster! Fingers crossed that it really does happen - Thanks for your thoughts and wishes, Mwah!

Surgery cancelled

Just got the call that my surgery has been cancelled as "too many emergencies came in over the weekend". Now we wait again.

Public Health care...if you need something done fast, you're screwed.

Too much fun

We get out exploring whenever we can, and Ive even had a go at driving off road - its a hoot.

Might be off line awhile again after tuesday the 9th, as I am scheduled for microsurgery of my right hand. Long time readers will remember that last August I had an open carpal tunnel release done, which didnt go as planned. After they get it open again they will be able to find out what went wrong, and if there is anything this specialist can do to improve or repair it. "Fingers crossed" LOL.

Unknown Australian Wildflower

I do not know what this little charmer is called - am still looking for a wildflower field guide to Australia.

Ive been having trouble with my vision for awhile now, and blurry photos have become common. I dont know they are blurry till I get them up on my screen in full size mode, very frustrating! Ive tried compensating by using the auto-focus feature, but so far, not much joy there either. Will keep trying to find a work-around that works for me.

Yes, I have been to the doctor for this. It is a complex problem that there is nothing they can do for. Fairly typical of me, if I do say myself. I seem to be prone to being difficult. I will have to bring you up to date on the situation with my hands soon too...perhaps next time?

Sunrise from the front garden

I have a backlog of sunrise/sunset/skyline shots, so I might make a week of them.
_________

Im in a funk and cant really face writing about it, so I wont. Lets just say that the sedation is easing, and I expect it to get much better as soon as the old med is finally discontinued in two days, leaving me just on the new-new one. Egads.