Saturday, July 25, 2009
Screaming, Crying, Hugging, Rambling
Aurora yawns at the camera through her favourite window.
Day two of a new medication, so too early to tell you much about it. Also, I can barely communicate most of the time. Monday seems too far away for another chance to see the doctor. But what is she likely to do? Up the dose? Put me on the next horse on the carousel? I need something that will work for me, not just keep grapsing at straws. I feel this cant be 'just depression', and this new med is not an anti-depressant. One minute happy, warm and intensely amourous. Later the same day, (and for most of it), want to kill every last one of us on this rotten rock with my bare hands. Next, crying my eyes out with the horror of the things Id do if I couldnt control myself, and why oh why cant I just lie down and die already? I want to get out of my own skull and take a long vacation from being me. No, Im not going to off myself. I know in my rational mind that that is not the best answer. But in my emotional mind, nothing makes more sense. For me, it is easy to see why so many people do. But I wont. At least not for the forseeable future. I have never been more thankful to come from a long line of people who die early.
This took two hours to write.