That which I can not avoid...

is nearly upon me.

Did I write that?  It sounds so, perhaps victorian melodrama?   And yet, I just wasted about a half hour on eBay looking at things with Ravens on them, so, that just may be where Im at.

Since I last blogged, Ive had one good friend offer me a willing ear and some sensible suggestions on this issue.  That was really helpful, and went a long way toward calming me down.

But you know, I cant win. 

That may be the thing that stinks the most to me.  You know, nobody likes a game they can't win. 

I dont think there is anything constructive to be gained by going deep into the why that is - at least not at this late stage.  But I will put down some other thoughts that have been jogging in a big circuit around my brain, keeping me awake at night and generally making a nuisance of themselves...it wont be a complete set of thoughts, and it is in no particular order.  #just sayin'

CAUTION:
If you are sensitive about Christmas and do not want anything to challenge that...
DONT READ THIS!

Something may be missing in my 'value system'. 
Maybe Ive just been away from the surviving members of my 'family of origin' too long. (Migrant issue)
Maybe its just becauseof the sweltering heat, blazing sunshine and general loudness.
(As opposed the the chilly - hang out by the fire, short days/dark early and the hush of snowy rooftops.)
Anybody notice there is something obscenely self-aggradizing about showering people with gifts and wrappings and cards and  entertainments and mountains of food?
Everybody knows there are hungry and homeless people out there, right?  Quite possibly nearby too.
I see the why, I understand the desire...its just...it makes me uncomfortable.
We all have so much, and most of it we dont need at all, and will throw away in no time at all.
The lights are pretty.
Its nice to buy someone you love a present (especially if its a nice present, ie: not socks! LOL)
My mother LOVED Christmas.  She's been dead since 1993.
Anybody else notice the piles of discarded furniture and appliances outside homes starting about October?  (Why do so many people have to re-decorate before they can have their 'loved ones' over for lunch?)
Wrapping paper and cards - sure they are lovely - but - more dead trees...Can nothing escape this?
I get the feasting thing... I get that, thats ancient human stuff.  But, so often its too much.
And the expectations!  Aw geeze, they really make getting along with other people a tricky proposition.
Everyone should remember that I think packing a bag to spend a night away is more hassle than its worth.
And anyone who knows me, knows I dont like crowds.
So...really.....is it any wonder that I am not enjoying this the same way so many others do?
___________________________

Depending on what happens in the next few days, this may be the last of The Christmas Rant.

Untill next year................(((((Theme from Jaws)))))

Im not gonna edit this - goodnight!   Have Happy Holidays However You Like Them Everyone!

Will not be silent.

Dear Mother in Law - If you are reading today, I hope you will click away and skip this one. Be free of this. It will all work out in the end. xxx
_________________________________________

I had not a chance to respond to the text message attack. My life is very whirlwind right now, and when there is a hour or so to pursue "recreational interests", I frankly find myself collapsing instead.

I knew an apology would be forthcoming. How could it not? We had all been asked to attend this Christmas by Father in Law, as a special favour to him. He has had a rather bad year this year. (Mammoth understatment.)  And it aint over yet.

An apology came. Iam only going to talk about how I felt reading it. I was glad she apologized to my Husband.

But, I - by which I mean me, myself, personally - I do not accept apologies for harm deliberately inflicted.

If you read the message in question, you can see that it was meant to sting.  I dont think it was an "outburst".

By apologizing, she may just have been saying what she thinks she is required to say by family or society, (and being genuine has nothing to do with that!), but if so, more power to her. Because I cant bring myself to play that game anymore. (Which is how Ive landed knee-deep in it this time.)  But if I cant be true to me now, at this time in my life, well I might as well roll over and immediately die.

I am me. I am different.  So what?
 __________________________

Look at the traffic thats been through here! Those of us with Christmas Issues are definitely not alone. The original post has seen over 900 hits since it went up. From all over the globe. There are many people out there who feel the same way I do, or similar! And we are all forced by societal pressures to keep our mouths shut about it. And how do I feel about that? Well, none of us have enough time - on any day - to go there.
 _____________________________

But I had a response, it was just a matter of how to give it.  Ultimately I decided that sending it to the party involved would only fan the flames.  But not sending it, and remaining silent...how can I deny to myself how I think and feel?  When someone does me and/or my loved ones wrong, keeping my mouth shut feels like abuse. 

Of said reply, here are the salient points:

If you have a problem with me, you should take it up with me.
A text attack on your brother – instead of me – made you a gutless hypocrite. You are better than that.
What I wrote about was me being honest about my experience. You trained as a counsellor and couldnt read that and see someone trying to work through their issues?
I am not going to play "Who Suffered More?" with you. 
I am entitled to my feelings and my opinions. You do not have to agree with them. Nor I, yours.
I am angry with you because you attacked someone I love, and made outrageous claims.
You started this, why should your husband take the flack? Fight your own battles!
 ___________________________________

I will continue to try to work out this issue, because it is the logical thing to do.  Christmas isnt going to go away just because me and at least a thousand others want it to.  And Im not interested in talking people out of believing or celebrating what and how they want.  I just would like not to HAVE TO CONFORM to other peoples values.  They arent interested in conforming to mine!  LOL
______________________________

I did finish the Christmas shopping! 

This sort of thing gives Christianity a bad name

I assume that this TEXT MESSAGE was sent in response to my last post. Which makes me wonder why she sent it to her brother, my husband, instead of me.

Hi (name), Please do not come to christmas at our place, christmas upsets you guys so much i dont want to inflict more pain so you can keep your hate & selfishness to yourselves and allow (us) to celebrate to any extent that we need too, even if it includes 'cash & prizes'. You guys are not the only ones that have difficulties we just choose not to vomit them out on you. So now you are free of the worry, expense & having to interact with us. Not sure why you just didn't decline the invite to start with. Any reply can be made to (her husband).

In actuality, I myself did not accept the invite. In fact, there was no invite. There was a general announcement that Christmas was at their place.

My response can obviously not be sent to her. But shortly I will publish it here.

Not for her, but for me. Which is what the original post was about anyway...me trying to figure out why I feel the way I do.

Maybe I am psychic, maybe I was picking up on the true nature of this Beast we call Christmas.

I hate christmas - irrationally

Anyone else out there?

Reposting from FB AND OS...


I need to come out of my shell and just tell the truth about me.

I HATE christmas.

Nothing would suit me better than if it went the feck away and never came back.

Im tired of playing along, and I am sure I am not alone.

Im aware of hating it all year round, but when it comes close enough that plans have to be made - well - I just sort of spazz out.

Funnier still is that each year it seems to get worse....till here I am now...feeling backed in a corner and ready to bite anyone who comes near me and mentions it.

I mean, Im beyond mad about it, Im positively enraged by it.

I dont understand it myself. and I cant find a rational reason for it that is big enough to explain my way out of proportion reaction to it.

I dont want to deny my husband time with his family....but it just feels like Im betraying myself to continue to participate.

No one has to respond to this, I dont expect it and Im not inviting feedback - Im just getting it out there. Maybe others like me will appreciate the validation.

Why cant we just be good to each other and our fellow man all year round...without the need for cash and prizes?

But, Id wanted to blog this 'weekend'...

The last day of the week that I work outside of the home is Thursday. I suppose it is natural that everyone there at "Passive Agressive Playschool" thinks that I am off to wallow around in luxurious leisure for the next four days.

Ha!

But anyway, Ive reached the point of exhaustion and so, this is the most blogging I can manage - Sorry Charlie! Only the best tasting tuna gets to be Starkist.

No one here in Oz is going to get that morsel of punchiness...sigh...Im off to savour one of our own ginger beers now, and if I pass out without making dinner, so be it! LOL

It has to be said...

...that here is nothing anyone can say that will make it better. In fact, most of what people say, serves only to twist the knife. But what surprises me most about this is: the way no one says anything at all. Not one word about what happened. No one calls us just to ask how we are, or if we would like to talk.

Everyone seems pretty happy to just pretend nothing happened. And in fact, they all act as if nothing did. Maybe thats partly my fault, see, I didnt want to ruin everyones 'christmas' and I have to tell you, I wasnt the life of that party, but from where I sit, I gave a goddamned great performance of 'handling it'.

So now we get joke emails about dead pets, emails about of how loving and appreciative their children are of them, or texts telling us how their god has blessed them with appliance repair - which are just three examples that show no one has any hint of an idea about what we are going through.

In calmer moments I realize I cant expect friends and family to understand, but, it seems sometimes that they, to be perfectly frank about it, that they just dont think. I guess thats because to them, nothing happened.

Why does "life goes on" mean we have to pretend nothing happened to us?

And even the two of us do not experience it the same way. We still love one another, and there is nothing we wouldnt do for each other. But he can not experience it the way I am, just as I can not experience it the way he is.

Except for: What are we going to do now? Who are we going to be? Whats the fucking point of any of it now?

It wouldnt matter how many people you surrounded me with, there is just no one who can understand, nor comfort. I must walk this road totally alone. Its a good thing Ive had a lifetime of practice.


Mommys still fighting for you my little babes...
Christian Mather Sage, lost Easter 2002
William Bradford, lost Dec 23 2010

Bonne Chance: The Hangman Waits

By the end of April, when he sees me at mealtimes, he will often get up and start walking toward me! Hissing the whole way, but walking toward me! Although he continues to stop just out of arms reach. Still, a 'win' is a 'win', no matter how small.

I dish up the goodies, take one step back from the bowl and then invite him to help himself. Always he sniffs the air and shifts his weight from side to side for anywhere up to two minutes. But eventually he decides that he is hungry enough to come closer.

While he is eating I can get close enough to touch him, although I havent yet done so. I tap the edge of the bowl to get him to notice how close my hand is, hoping he will eventually realize that I will not harm him. I am going to wait for a sign from him that he is willing to be touched. Im certain that if I try it before that, it will be more of a setback than a step ahead.

However once he has finished his meal, he retreats to the 'three foot mark', and all bets are off again.



Ive been rolling all this over in my mind for months now, trying to find more possible solutions. He is feral. If I bring him in, he will be put down, and Im not comfortable with that. Who am I do decide who lives or dies? Hell, at this point in time I cant even figure out what to cook for dinner tonight...and he is not without some happiness. Certinally the bit of looking after he gets from me is of some comfort to him.

But Im not sure that I will actually be able to 'socialize' him enough to have him spared, and I know that bringing him inside with my two would be a mammoth disaster. In so many ways.

Mind you, if he turns up here sick beyond what I can help with (not much when you cant touch) - or gravely injured - then I will not hesitate to capture him by whatever means. I will not watch him suffer beyond what he is used to. If such should come to pass, I reserve the right to cry my eyes out afterward for as long as I want.

Ive set up a few boxes out of the weather for him to shelter in, although so far he seems to overnight in a 'dead car' in a neighbors yard. Fair enough Mate, but youve got options. Winter is not officially here yet, so he may find accommodation on my side of the street just a few stars higher come the wind and rain.

But whatever is to be done, it begs for doing before the breeding season in spring. I might be a crazy cat lady, but I refuse to be a totally irresponsible one.

Wish us luck.

________________

We will catch up again with Bonne Chance as events develop, Cheers!

Bonne Chance: Feral Redemption

Just after one evening meal with Bonne Chance, I returned inside and began doing the dishes. The only good thing about doing the dishes is I can look out the kitchen window while Im at it. From there I can see a small part of the garden, where a prickly Grevillia 'Scarlet Sprite' is planted.

This shrub is very popular with the birds, and lucky me, there was a White Plumed Honeyeater hovering about it, taking nectar from the flowers, as they do.

I was enjoying the show - wondering if it would last long enough for me to get the camera, when into this visions periphery, a low slung, fast moving, blur slunk in, and came to rest beneath the shrub.

I was out there in a heartbeat, and well timed it was. The honeyeater hovered, oblivious, just a foot and a half above the head of Bonne Chance, who was in prime position to pounce upward and claim his prize.

Just as his legs began to propel him, I clapped my hands sharply three times, adding a harsh verbal "NUH-UH!" for emphasis. Instantly the honeyeater took off to parts unknown.

Bonne Chance first landed awkwardly on the spiky shrub, wriggled his way off a stout branch, and then fell to the ground. There he proceeded to walk casually back to the sunny side of the garden and made every effort to pretend he had meant the whole thing to happen just exactly the way it did.

I, however, stood still, suddenly feeling sickly concerned about the lack of Little Wattle Bird sightings of late.


Getting ahold of my thoughts, I wandered over to my furry friend and at that invisible 'three foot mark', I crouched down, intent on having a deep and meaningful conversation.

I said "Hey Mate, I know its in your nature, but could you NOT do that HERE? I mean, you cant even be hungry after that dinner...(he yawned!!!)...I know! I know! Opportunity only knocks once, but Mate, the birds are friends of mine too."

Just then, a mob of Common 'Indian' Mynas came through, prompting me to add "Except that lot - you can have all of those you want!"

And thats when it suddenly dawned on me! Well, yes, but besides my being a complete hypocrite...

~~~ THE MOST AMAZING IDEA EVER! ~~~

I will make up a set of flash cards - Birdy Flash Cards! And I will instruct Bonne Chance....work with me here for a minute...For example: show him the Rainbow Lorikeet flash card and say "NO! Not yummy!" Then show him the Common 'Indian' Mynas flashcard and say "Go for it!" while simultaneously giving him a tasty little treat!

After I have him trained, he can help me recruit other feral cats. Together we will form a mighty Army of Ferals!

We will sweep across Australia wiping out non-indigineous birds thus reducing pressures on our native bird populations!

And One Great Day, Australia will no longer deride the Feral cat! But herald them as some of our Nation's great Heroes!

A few minutes later...

Another shot from the December 1st file, taken just a few minutes after yesterdays. The shot for tommorrow was taken a few minutes after this one.

I remember that evening. I was cooking dinner when I noticed how colourful the sunset was, and dashed out with the camera for a couple quick ones. The only thing that brought me back to reality was the smoke alarm going off. Dinner was charcoal, so we had a pizza delivered instead.

The colours of this shot are just as they appeared. I cant say Ive seen such a magnificent sunset - before or since!

~ ~ ~ DELETED CONTENT WAS HERE: ~ ~ ~
Synopsis: Rant on digital manipulation and mis-representation of images as technically brilliant, but actually - in reality - fake! If its photoshopped, it shouldn't be presented as though it were not, and what ever happened to learning how to take a proper picture in the first place?

So many bees...

...so little time. I see so many different types of bee in my gardens, and Id love to know who they are. Dang, I was just at the library today! Ah well, even if they have something, it wont be on the shelf where it is supposed to be.

I used to get very worked up looking for books that the computer says are there on the shelf, but arent. Now, I just reserve them online, and let the "librarians" spend all day looking for them.

That must be why they have to have a "certificate*" in "library science" before they can be hired. Is it thier credentials that help them to find books?! Even if they didnt know where to shelve them in the first place?

I have also given up correctly shelving books that I find out of order while looking for ones I am after. It seems to me that if I use my Powers for good, I get no work of my own done.

I did not mean this to turn into a library rant, but, how cathartic.

__________
* "certificate" in Australia = "diploma" elsewhere.
And yes, you must have one in order to be even a lowly Library Assistant. What a crock!