Monday, February 14, 2011

It has to be said...


...that here is nothing anyone can say that will make it better. In fact, most of what people say, serves only to twist the knife. But what surprises me most about this is: the way no one says anything at all. Not one word about what happened. No one calls us just to ask how we are, or if we would like to talk.

Everyone seems pretty happy to just pretend nothing happened. And in fact, they all act as if nothing did. Maybe thats partly my fault, see, I didnt want to ruin everyones 'christmas' and I have to tell you, I wasnt the life of that party, but from where I sit, I gave a goddamned great performance of 'handling it'.

So now we get joke emails about dead pets, emails about of how loving and appreciative their children are of them, or texts telling us how their god has blessed them with appliance repair - which are just three examples that show no one has any hint of an idea about what we are going through.

In calmer moments I realize I cant expect friends and family to understand, but, it seems sometimes that they, to be perfectly frank about it, that they just dont think. I guess thats because to them, nothing happened.

Why does "life goes on" mean we have to pretend nothing happened to us?

And even the two of us do not experience it the same way. We still love one another, and there is nothing we wouldnt do for each other. But he can not experience it the way I am, just as I can not experience it the way he is.

Except for: What are we going to do now? Who are we going to be? Whats the fucking point of any of it now?

It wouldnt matter how many people you surrounded me with, there is just no one who can understand, nor comfort. I must walk this road totally alone. Its a good thing Ive had a lifetime of practice.


Mommys still fighting for you my little babes...
Christian Mather Sage, lost Easter 2002
William Bradford, lost Dec 23 2010

8 comments:

BetteJo said...

I'm sorry Lavender. I am not familiar with your family or your losses but obviously this was bad. I have no words other than - I am so very sorry you are hurting.

Alys Dietsch said...

It was a masterful act. Somethings that might have happened didn't.
I'm sorry. I love you guys. While I can never know a fraction of your pain, Your sons are missed by me too.
Would it be Ok to contact you now?
Al

Young Werther said...

I can't say I know, nor can I say I understand. All I can do, is wish you well and send good thoughts...

barkfoot said...

I'm at a loss for words, and I doubt I have any that can make you feel better.
I do have a patient ear that is only a 'click' away.

Lavender said...

BetteJo, Alys, Young Werther & Barkfoot,
Thank you for your caring messages, they are greatly appreciated...when I am up to it again, I will check in with you all...please be good to yourselves till then.

Barkfoot said...

I thought I'd pop by, simply to say hi...

kj said...

lavender.....



kj

BetteJo said...

Hope you are well Lavender, or maybe healing some. Miss you and miss your budgies.