It has to be said...

...that here is nothing anyone can say that will make it better. In fact, most of what people say, serves only to twist the knife. But what surprises me most about this is: the way no one says anything at all. Not one word about what happened. No one calls us just to ask how we are, or if we would like to talk.

Everyone seems pretty happy to just pretend nothing happened. And in fact, they all act as if nothing did. Maybe thats partly my fault, see, I didnt want to ruin everyones 'christmas' and I have to tell you, I wasnt the life of that party, but from where I sit, I gave a goddamned great performance of 'handling it'.

So now we get joke emails about dead pets, emails about of how loving and appreciative their children are of them, or texts telling us how their god has blessed them with appliance repair - which are just three examples that show no one has any hint of an idea about what we are going through.

In calmer moments I realize I cant expect friends and family to understand, but, it seems sometimes that they, to be perfectly frank about it, that they just dont think. I guess thats because to them, nothing happened.

Why does "life goes on" mean we have to pretend nothing happened to us?

And even the two of us do not experience it the same way. We still love one another, and there is nothing we wouldnt do for each other. But he can not experience it the way I am, just as I can not experience it the way he is.

Except for: What are we going to do now? Who are we going to be? Whats the fucking point of any of it now?

It wouldnt matter how many people you surrounded me with, there is just no one who can understand, nor comfort. I must walk this road totally alone. Its a good thing Ive had a lifetime of practice.


Mommys still fighting for you my little babes...
Christian Mather Sage, lost Easter 2002
William Bradford, lost Dec 23 2010