Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Love and Chemical Warfare
As I have let several cats out of bags lately...well, two cats anyway...Im feeling inclined to explain (defend?) a thing or two.
THE FIRST CAT is that I plan to share more about my experience with depression. However, I continue getting very strong urges to blog more informative or educational posts on the subject in general. Egads!
I do not understand where such an idea even comes from! After all, do I need the pressure of writing "The definitive article on Depressive Mental Illnesses of the Early 21st Century"?
Is it then, merely part of my nature to explain (in more detail than anyone less meticulous could desire) as much as I crave to understand (in an encyclopedic sense) everything I encounter?
Its exhausting. Now, add the classic depressive symptom of being entirely unable to make a decision - and Wha La! The brain strips its gears, overheating its millions of neural synapses before melting down into some sort of soft cheese, then, finally, oozeing away out of either ear.
THE SECOND CAT is that The Most DH is a prize, for which Iam grateful every day. It took us a very long time to find each other.
Having had bad luck in love and marriage previously, and knowing so many people in relationships that so often are fraught with heartache, I often feel I should hide how much we are two halves of one whole.
Beyond having compassion for others, previously described, I do not understand why I feel I should hide that we are happy. But will ponder that another time.
What I most wanted to say here today about love is, it makes you want to be a better person. I want to beat my depression because I do not want to bring him down - although some times I truly cant help it (Chemical Warfare), I will not give up trying (Love)!
When I was single and had a depressed episode, I thought that being truly loved would solve it. When I was with someone and depressed, the crap relationships they were bore the blame easily. Now that I am truly well loved, I have to accept that the problem is entirely within my physical self, and that is some scary shit.
Gustav Klimt, The Kiss, 1907