Tibouchina lepidota ‘Alstonville’

Autumn colour, Aussie style.

Well Folks, Ive drawn another blank so we will leave it there today. Might be missing tommorrow, but no worries, Cheers!

Brilliant! As if on cue...or not

Stuff happens: usually unexpectedly, sometimes not. Today stuff happened in spades!

But! Then I complicated things by deciding it was well past time I gave the floors a good seeing to. Housework was never one of my more treasured parts of being female, but with this rather rare burst of energy/interest/fear of the health department showing up, I thought it best just to go with it.

So for hours I vaccumed and mopped the floors of the entire house, but I couldnt stop there. Concentration is impaired with depression. I only meant to do the floors, but found myself up a ladder getting the top shelf of the wardrobe, the air con vents, all the woodworks and mouldings around the floors, doors and cieling - and Oh! While Ive got the vac out, lets run it over the cieling fan and the furriest bits of the lounge - Ack! Look at the dust along the top of the curtains...a little windex on a rag and I could get the fingerprints off the lightswitch - Ive officially gone insane!

All throughout this frantic festival, I kept telling myself Id still get done in time to go grocery shopping and THEN, at the scheduled time, I will sit down and write something brilliant!

Shall I call you when Elvis gets here?

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Lucky for me the talented illustrator Ces of Ces and her dishes, has kindly awarded me the "This blog is Administered by a Mental Ninja" Award!



Which is, as I told her, so much nicer sounding than just 'Plain Mental'...Thank you very much Ces!

Love and Chemical Warfare

As I have let several cats out of bags lately...well, two cats anyway...Im feeling inclined to explain (defend?) a thing or two.

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THE FIRST CAT is that I plan to share more about my experience with depression. However, I continue getting very strong urges to blog more informative or educational posts on the subject in general. Egads!

I do not understand where such an idea even comes from! After all, do I need the pressure of writing "The definitive article on Depressive Mental Illnesses of the Early 21st Century"?

Indeed, not!

Is it then, merely part of my nature to explain (in more detail than anyone less meticulous could desire) as much as I crave to understand (in an encyclopedic sense) everything I encounter?

Its exhausting. Now, add the classic depressive symptom of being entirely unable to make a decision - and Wha La! The brain strips its gears, overheating its millions of neural synapses before melting down into some sort of soft cheese, then, finally, oozeing away out of either ear.

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THE SECOND CAT is that The Most DH is a prize, for which Iam grateful every day. It took us a very long time to find each other.

Having had bad luck in love and marriage previously, and knowing so many people in relationships that so often are fraught with heartache, I often feel I should hide how much we are two halves of one whole.

Beyond having compassion for others, previously described, I do not understand why I feel I should hide that we are happy. But will ponder that another time.

What I most wanted to say here today about love is, it makes you want to be a better person. I want to beat my depression because I do not want to bring him down - although some times I truly cant help it (Chemical Warfare), I will not give up trying (Love)!

When I was single and had a depressed episode, I thought that being truly loved would solve it. When I was with someone and depressed, the crap relationships they were bore the blame easily. Now that I am truly well loved, I have to accept that the problem is entirely within my physical self, and that is some scary shit.
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Gustav Klimt, The Kiss, 1907

Yellow-tailed Black-Cockatoo, Calyptorhynchus funereus

Most of the group did fly off, suspicious of my intentions. But this one was content to enjoy its pinecone munchie for a few minutes more, before following its mates calls deeper into the wood.





After it flew off, The Most DH let the Rover roll downhill to pick me up. Excited from my encounter, and grateful for being so well loved, the rest of the day was spent happily exploring muddy tracks that didnt appear on our GPS.

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Sometimes groups of these fly over our house, I always run out to see them whenever I hear their call.

For more information please see:

Yellow Tailed Black Cockatoo at the Australian Museum Online
Yellow Tailed Black Cockatoo at Wikipedia
Yellow Tailed Black Cockatoo at Birds in Backyards

A friend in deed

So, depression, eh? One of the more insidious aspects of it is; everything you enjoy doing goes bye-bye. You find everything to seem to be more effort than it can possibly be worth. Its all far too hard. Better to just sit, stare and ruminate on what was, or might have been, if one wasnt such an abject Loser.

A few weeks ago I foolishly made a casual comment in the direction of The Most DH about realizing I hadnt had the camera out in an Ent's age. Then, about an hour later, I found myself being escorted out the door and into our Rover, already packed with all the camera gear, and a modest selection of snack foods.

And what was my reaction? I was genuinely miffed. I complained that the day was too rainy for any good shots and proceeded to sulk for 110 kilometres.

Undaunted, The Most DH drove us off road into a state forest, and after sighting a group of yellow tailed black cockatoos, pointed them out to me, and parked.

Well I couldnt see them from where I was sitting, and confidently predicted that IF I was to rouse the slightest bit of interest, they would surely take off before I could raise the lens.

The Most DH opened a couple cans of fizzy drink for us and munched some cheezy crackers. Between bites he gave me a narrative on the birds activities and locations.

He kept it up for twenty minutes. Twenty minutes he had to work at me untill I could no longer resist the temptation to just slip out into the forest, have a bit of a stalk, and maybe, just maybe the universe might give me a little win to build some new confidence on.

Maybe...

Anti-depressants are a necessary evil

Bit of back story, I was diagnosed with Major Depression last year. When I first realized that I was dredging the depths again, I saw the doctor, as one does. She set me on some anti-depressants, as they do. Nothing suss there.

But anti-depressants are not 'one size fits all' sorts of things. All of them have significant side effects, and it is very much a guessing game - on a case to case basis no less - as to which one is going to be right for you.

The one they tried me on last year was such a disaster in the side effects sweepstakes, that I decided that was enough of being the guinea pig of whatever drug company rep last spoke to my GP with a handful of free samples. That Id be better off on NO meds, than those meds.

Big Mistake.

I had absolutely no idea that things could get worse. I mean, how can Major Depression get worse, right?

Well it can. So what I would like to share with anyone out there reading this is: meds suck. But not having meds sucks harder. If what they put you on isnt doing it for you, and youve given it a fair go, then ask to try something else. Theres tons of them out there, dont give up.

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Major Depressive Disorder at Wikipedia

Blue sky raindrops

Cant complain about the rain. Well, I could, but whats the use, eh? I got this shot the other day when I took the camera out for a few moments. It was nice to see the blue sky. A reminder that it is there all the time, whether we can see it or not.

spent flowers of that mistletoe

Last of the mistletoe shots.
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Not a good day today - back to hiding for me, see what tommorrow brings.

mistletoe and depression, both parasitic

Birds enjoy eating the fruit of the mistletoe plant. These fruits contain the mistletoe's seed encased in very sticky flesh. Once a bird has had at it, the seed can take one of two routes.

If ingested by the bird, the seed will pass through undigested and emerge still coated with its sticky outer covering. If the mistletoe is very lucky, the unctuous mass will land on the branch of a host tree.

Alternately: a bird finishes his messy snack, and stops to strop his sticky beak across a branch, leaving the seeds pasted in place.

Either way, there the seed begins its business, anchoring itself to its new host, over time forming a graft like the one pictured below.



This particular mistletoe's leaf greatly resembles the gum (eucalypt) tree it was residing in. We might have let it be, except that it had grown low enough to block the view of traffic when exiting our driveway, so... bummer.

Although Im sure the gum tree doesnt mind.



I want to make a joke about how mistletoe can be like depression, something along the lines of:

A little crap falls on you, and SNAP! Youve got psychic parasites!
Obviously the joke needs more work, still, Im sure you get my point. Be good to yourselves till next post!

another mistletoe in the gum tree

Taken with the macro lens a few months back, a breeze shifted the branch during the shot giving an interesting dreamy effect. This mistletoe doesnt seem to attract the birds like the other one does.
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Yesterday and today were better, could be Ive been on the meds long enough to start to perk up - fingers crossed. Today I actually picked up the camera and took a few shots AND ventured to the shops, alone, in search of a new DVD. (No joy there though.) I was very glad to be back home again and away from the writhing mass of 'humanity'.

Thank you Dear Reading Friends, for your comments and understanding, you are each much appreciated!

I aspire to a sunflower-esque state

...but am still unable to communicate.

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Major Depressive Disorder at Wikipedia

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just a little longer

Im still alive, and have missed you all. Posting may be sporadic while I try to get back into the groove again. Thank you all for your kind wishes while Ive been offline, Cheers!

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KJ, don't look down!!! :)